Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
