Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
