I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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