you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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