grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Rumble strips road head = magical
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
