Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
