If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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