Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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