I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's like iHOP with fire
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
