lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
