please come you make the beer taste better
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
