I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
