The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
