Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
