Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
