She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
