I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
