Your face is a jimmy john
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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