I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
love makes seman taste better
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
