you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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