I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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