Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
