everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
