She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You are the jesus of drinking
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
