Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
