He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
