Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
