this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
