you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
