I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
