Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I skipped work to stalk him.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
