I've blown a few things in my day
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
