I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
