we have pet lesbian snakes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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