i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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