Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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