My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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