ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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