i wish my penis had a tongue
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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