He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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