Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
