I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
