I don't usually arrange sex via text message
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
