She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
