I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
