I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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