apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
