Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
