i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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