I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
